my struggles as a man…
they keep me from self actualization and wholeness
I have an inability to communicate my emotions
I have been socialized to suppress them
the only form of communication I know is aggression
I feel silenced when frustrated, disappointed, sad or lonely
because I cannot identify what it is I am feeling
I do not know how to express it constructively
probably this is the reason I speak in slang’
because without an emotional outlet I feel like a mute person
a mute person trying to speak a foreign language
I am expected to live up to the myth..
the sex athlete myth...
to most of my peers it is not a challenge
they probably think it is a right of passage
or the natural order of the universe
sadly this is a creation of society
too many of my peers have bought into this myth
and have the seeds of their misdeeds scattered nationwide
others have succumbed to the ravages of deadly STD’s
but still…inferior are those who are not athletes in bed
for their sexuality shall always be questioned
and aspersions cast on the size of their manhood
as a man I have to struggle to be the moneybags man
the moneybags man is all so powerful…
he has money…power…influence…
resultantly his doors open up effortlessly
me…I have to put up with the everyday world
dead end jobs…internal discontent…heartbreak…
spend months trying to woo the apple of my eye for a night out on the town…and then she refuses
this struggle to prove I am as good as mister moneybags is all too time and energy consuming
I struggle to paint a positive picture of men
but all around me the ladies retort…
“I don’t need a man in my life…”
I cannot blame them for these remarks
in my world…many men have not been raised to be men
they have been raised to be males
being a man is much more than pissing standing up…
it’s about integrity…responsibility…
honesty when it’s not the easy way out
being a man is treating people like human beings…like equals…
I struggle to be a positive role model
these are my struggles as a man
Friday, November 20, 2009
what's love got to do with it - final 3 part
"your lucky you almost had a miscarriage. Be very careful that u don't trip again" The doctor told me that i needed to be on bedrest in hospital for a week so i was admitted for observation.
My husband came to see me everyday asking for forgiveness. He promised that he would never hurt me again. I didn't know whether i believed him. i was pregnant and had no job. Where was i going to go?
I didn't know what to do and i knew i couldn't go back home to my parents who were poor and could not afford to feed two extra mouths. They were so excited when i married a man they considered very well off.
So i went back home after one week to my husband. I thought he had learnt his lesson when i almost lost the baby. He was so loving and so excited when we got a son Kevin. Kevin was the light of my life. Spoiled but sweet. We had another child after that, a girl Mercy.
Most of the time things were good but sometimes my husband would get into a rage, hitting and punching me. Once he broke three of my ribs and another knocked out two of my front teeth. He always took me to hospital and paid the bills. I used to tell the doctor that i was a klutz so clumsy and accident prone tried to leave sometimes but he always came begging me or my family to give him another chance.
Things came to a head when Kevin was in primary at around six years of age. We were called to Kevin's school and told he had beaten up a girl who had taken his book. In the headmasters office my husband brushed it off as a minor incidence. “that's just how boys are. Sometimes they like to fight. It doesn't mean he is bad.”
i told Kevin off for beating a girl. he looked me straight in the eye and said, “then if it's bad to hit a girl why does dad beat you? I was too embarrassed to reply. but as i looked from father from son i had an insight. i saw what my son would become one day to another woman if i didn't do something.
my husband dropped us home after verbally abusing kelvin for discussing home issues in public. He also told Kevin to expect a beating when he got home. He wasn't angry because Kevin had beaten up the girl but because of saying infront of the headmaster and teacher that his father beat me.
I waited for my husband to leave and then I went and packed my clothes and those of my children. I went into the wardrobe and removed a stash of cash i had hidden and a bank account card.
I told Kevin we were going visiting and we needed to get his sister from school. Without looking back at the big house with beautiful furniture and everything a gal could dream of, i closed the door to my nightmares and opened a gate to a new life.
I wasn't going back to my parents because my husband would find me there. But i had made a friend who my husband didn't know about. She had seen what my husband had done to me on numerous occasions and she had told me if i ever needed a place to stay i could go stay with her.
I know this will be hard. But in the end to save my children who i love more then myself its time to get out. Am praying to God for strength to help me do what i have to do for my children.
My husband came to see me everyday asking for forgiveness. He promised that he would never hurt me again. I didn't know whether i believed him. i was pregnant and had no job. Where was i going to go?
I didn't know what to do and i knew i couldn't go back home to my parents who were poor and could not afford to feed two extra mouths. They were so excited when i married a man they considered very well off.
So i went back home after one week to my husband. I thought he had learnt his lesson when i almost lost the baby. He was so loving and so excited when we got a son Kevin. Kevin was the light of my life. Spoiled but sweet. We had another child after that, a girl Mercy.
Most of the time things were good but sometimes my husband would get into a rage, hitting and punching me. Once he broke three of my ribs and another knocked out two of my front teeth. He always took me to hospital and paid the bills. I used to tell the doctor that i was a klutz so clumsy and accident prone tried to leave sometimes but he always came begging me or my family to give him another chance.
Things came to a head when Kevin was in primary at around six years of age. We were called to Kevin's school and told he had beaten up a girl who had taken his book. In the headmasters office my husband brushed it off as a minor incidence. “that's just how boys are. Sometimes they like to fight. It doesn't mean he is bad.”
i told Kevin off for beating a girl. he looked me straight in the eye and said, “then if it's bad to hit a girl why does dad beat you? I was too embarrassed to reply. but as i looked from father from son i had an insight. i saw what my son would become one day to another woman if i didn't do something.
my husband dropped us home after verbally abusing kelvin for discussing home issues in public. He also told Kevin to expect a beating when he got home. He wasn't angry because Kevin had beaten up the girl but because of saying infront of the headmaster and teacher that his father beat me.
I waited for my husband to leave and then I went and packed my clothes and those of my children. I went into the wardrobe and removed a stash of cash i had hidden and a bank account card.
I told Kevin we were going visiting and we needed to get his sister from school. Without looking back at the big house with beautiful furniture and everything a gal could dream of, i closed the door to my nightmares and opened a gate to a new life.
I wasn't going back to my parents because my husband would find me there. But i had made a friend who my husband didn't know about. She had seen what my husband had done to me on numerous occasions and she had told me if i ever needed a place to stay i could go stay with her.
I know this will be hard. But in the end to save my children who i love more then myself its time to get out. Am praying to God for strength to help me do what i have to do for my children.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
whats love got to do with it - part 2
I know you think am naïve, going back to him after he slapped me. I guess you would have told me to run as fast as my legs would take me. But if you did I wouldn’t have listened. My friend tried to tell me that it was just the beginning but I didn’t listen.
Things were pretty calm again. He never hit me again. At least not until after we were married. He had gone out one night and came home drunk. I was 6 months pregnant, and didn’t want to go out so I went to bed early. He came home at 2. I guess he was expecting me to be up waiting for him to come so I open the door. He knocked furiously on the door but I was deep in sleep so I didn’t hear him.
He called me on the cellphone. When I came to open the door he was spitting mad. He slapped me, asked me what kind of a wife I was, sleeping when her husband is knocking on the door. I tried to tell him I was resting. That made him see red.
He punched me in the breasts and then kicked me. I fell to the ground and started screaming. I felt pain in my abdomen. God was I losing my baby. I started screaming at him that I was losing the baby.
As if in a trance he switched back to my love. He told me he was so sorry. He couldn’t believe that he had done such a thing. “Baby it was the alcohol,” he told me. He wept as he drove me to the hospital.
“Baby am so sorry. The devil entered me. Forgive me baby I never meant to hurt you.” He chanted over and over.
When I reached the hospital I was taken to emergency. The doctor looked me over and asked me what had happened. I looked at my husband. He looked so helpless and sorry. He could not have meant to hurt me or our baby.
I lied, never knowing that that would be the first lie in a series of lies to come. That this would be my first visit to the hospital and not the last.
to be continued ........................
Things were pretty calm again. He never hit me again. At least not until after we were married. He had gone out one night and came home drunk. I was 6 months pregnant, and didn’t want to go out so I went to bed early. He came home at 2. I guess he was expecting me to be up waiting for him to come so I open the door. He knocked furiously on the door but I was deep in sleep so I didn’t hear him.
He called me on the cellphone. When I came to open the door he was spitting mad. He slapped me, asked me what kind of a wife I was, sleeping when her husband is knocking on the door. I tried to tell him I was resting. That made him see red.
He punched me in the breasts and then kicked me. I fell to the ground and started screaming. I felt pain in my abdomen. God was I losing my baby. I started screaming at him that I was losing the baby.
As if in a trance he switched back to my love. He told me he was so sorry. He couldn’t believe that he had done such a thing. “Baby it was the alcohol,” he told me. He wept as he drove me to the hospital.
“Baby am so sorry. The devil entered me. Forgive me baby I never meant to hurt you.” He chanted over and over.
When I reached the hospital I was taken to emergency. The doctor looked me over and asked me what had happened. I looked at my husband. He looked so helpless and sorry. He could not have meant to hurt me or our baby.
I lied, never knowing that that would be the first lie in a series of lies to come. That this would be my first visit to the hospital and not the last.
to be continued ........................
Monday, November 16, 2009
what happened to loving one man?
it seems
that the only person who believes in loving one man is me.
everyone else seems to tear it down
saying i got all my eggs in one basket.
i wonder what happened to loving one man,
to saving your heart for just that special one,
it seems nowadays that
love is an investment
you need to have stocks in different portfolio's
short term, medium term and long term
so that if there is a shortfall your covered
but what if i dont want to love like that
what if i want to gamble it all
on the big one
that your the one and only one,
that your the only man that i need.
that the only person who believes in loving one man is me.
everyone else seems to tear it down
saying i got all my eggs in one basket.
i wonder what happened to loving one man,
to saving your heart for just that special one,
it seems nowadays that
love is an investment
you need to have stocks in different portfolio's
short term, medium term and long term
so that if there is a shortfall your covered
but what if i dont want to love like that
what if i want to gamble it all
on the big one
that your the one and only one,
that your the only man that i need.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
What's love got to do with it.
I met him and we fell deep in love. He was so caring, gentle and loving. He was handsome, a prince among men. I felt so loved n special, all my friends were envious. He was perfect.
The first time it happened I couldn’t believe it. He asked me something I can’t remember what but I remember I thought that it was something that was none of his business. I answered rudely saying it was none of his business. That's when he slapped me. I was in so much shock I didn’t even cry or scream.
I walked out of that house vowing never to come back. I went to my gal's house to plot my way forward .he found out where I was. He sent me flowers, tried to call. Then he sent me a card saying "am sorry baby I didn’t mean to hurt you. I love you. Come let me make it up to you. I will never ever hit you again. Come home baby."
I thought about it, prayed. I remembered the good times and I couldn’t believe that he would hurt me again. I knew him; he was one of the good guys. I went back and he was my old love, my best love. And that’s how it all began.
Raylitpoems 2009
The first time it happened I couldn’t believe it. He asked me something I can’t remember what but I remember I thought that it was something that was none of his business. I answered rudely saying it was none of his business. That's when he slapped me. I was in so much shock I didn’t even cry or scream.
I walked out of that house vowing never to come back. I went to my gal's house to plot my way forward .he found out where I was. He sent me flowers, tried to call. Then he sent me a card saying "am sorry baby I didn’t mean to hurt you. I love you. Come let me make it up to you. I will never ever hit you again. Come home baby."
I thought about it, prayed. I remembered the good times and I couldn’t believe that he would hurt me again. I knew him; he was one of the good guys. I went back and he was my old love, my best love. And that’s how it all began.
Raylitpoems 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Kamuti - love spell
Some say you must have put for me that kamuti,
That our love ain't natural.
They say there are so many men out there,
Why are you sticking to this particular one, and he's so far away?
They can’t explain it, why I love you,
I can’t explain it either.
It’s not something I set out to do,
Like, oh am going to fall for you
Never let go of this love.
It’s not that it doesn’t hurt,
This distance, this space between us.
Sometimes I wish I could untie the knots you have tied,
Across my heart so I can be free to love again.
Get so lonely sometimes,
I would dearly love to put my head on your shoulder
For comfort but I can’t.
But when I think about you not being in my life
At all the pain cuts like a knife.
I feel like my heart is ruptured and bleeding
Toxic acid into my system.
I am in a catch 22,
Damned if am with you and damned if am not.
So I don’t know, is it really that love portion
Or the natural kamuti that stirs my heart
Towards you and only you,
Because my heart wants what my heart wants,
And my heart wants you.
Raylitpoems 09
That our love ain't natural.
They say there are so many men out there,
Why are you sticking to this particular one, and he's so far away?
They can’t explain it, why I love you,
I can’t explain it either.
It’s not something I set out to do,
Like, oh am going to fall for you
Never let go of this love.
It’s not that it doesn’t hurt,
This distance, this space between us.
Sometimes I wish I could untie the knots you have tied,
Across my heart so I can be free to love again.
Get so lonely sometimes,
I would dearly love to put my head on your shoulder
For comfort but I can’t.
But when I think about you not being in my life
At all the pain cuts like a knife.
I feel like my heart is ruptured and bleeding
Toxic acid into my system.
I am in a catch 22,
Damned if am with you and damned if am not.
So I don’t know, is it really that love portion
Or the natural kamuti that stirs my heart
Towards you and only you,
Because my heart wants what my heart wants,
And my heart wants you.
Raylitpoems 09
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)