I hate being miserable. Its sits on me like a second skin and I can feel its invisible weight pulling me down. I almost feel like wearing all black, wearing black makeup and black nailpolish just to symbolize how down and out I am. Funny I was a goth once, a happy one and I wore all black except for black lipstick. Never mind that black is slimming for a proportionally blessed gal like me. Oh I digressed.
Nothing at this point seems to be working everything just seems to be wearing me out. School, work and relationships. Fatigue is my new best friend and I am so close to meltdown it takes everything I have in me to keep moving instead of stopping and letting everything crash around me. Considering how I have often oscillilated between being a pessimist and optimist being in one extreme shouldnt I be ok with being miserable.
I have to say misery brings out my creative side. They say that creative genious most often comes in the low then in the highs. You only have to look at most best selling novelists or famous artists when they did their best works they were down on luck, emotions or about to give up.
Maybe this time next year, ten years from now I will look back and thank God for this time for it made me a success . I would sure hope so. I would hate to think that all the misery I am going through is for nothing. All the added weight that I am gaining would be for naught. Did I forget to mention I really eat when am miserable? There goes the almost two years of disciplining myself not to emotional eat and losing weight. I need to get my act together but not today. Am to fatigued to pull the strands of my life together today. Maybe tomorrow I reach for a pen and chocolate.
With age though I have realised that misery doesnt look good on me as it used to. I have gotten addicted to being a optimist so being miserable is a drag. I want to smile and encourage someone even in this situation. I know am not alone in this. I want to get out. I want to be positive. So I keep pumping myself with music and audio mp3's on being positive. Then things dont seem so bad. I know this season of misery will pass and when it does I want to say I did it with grace. Things will get better. Tuko pamoja.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Daddy
Little legs following big legs, trying to catch up. Madonna smile that looks up at a hero. Love that radiates from knowing that she is loved and cherished. She sits on a small stool in her father's kiosk, watchs transations of goods and money. Lifted up to the grill to help her daddy sell. She gets rewarded with sweets and crisps. Play with friends and when she falls she runs to him to make it better. Sickness comes and she cant breathe. Dad stays at her side at the hospital bed, holding her hand when they inject the needle with medicine to make the chest better. She is bad, bad little gal doing what daddy says what is wrong.she is disciplined, brought to line with some tough love. But while her bottom is still smanting from the belt, he holds her and tells her I love you. I just want you to do the right thing. And though there's pain friendship is restored. And chanda na pete they remain. Till that fateful day when death sought to separate them, but death where is thy sting? Real love doesnt end with death. You were my friend, my teacher, my mentor. My Daddy. I will always love you, respect what you did for me. I will always look back at our ten years together and thank God for having you in my life. 1950 - 1990.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Today
Today.
Brand new, unwrapped day.
I love the smell of the new.
It smells of possibilities.
Let me unwrap my dreams for today
And lay them out.
Umm that looks good,
The colours and detail of the picture of what I want to do.
The smell of expectation,
That sweet aroma of plans coming together.
Today I turn the vapor of the ideas in my head,
Into steam that fuels my momentum.
Steam to make solid the foundations of my tomorrows.
Today’s brand new,
Brand new clay to work with.
So today let me shape my dreams.
Let me enjoy the experience
And design my day into something beautiful.
Brand new, unwrapped day.
I love the smell of the new.
It smells of possibilities.
Let me unwrap my dreams for today
And lay them out.
Umm that looks good,
The colours and detail of the picture of what I want to do.
The smell of expectation,
That sweet aroma of plans coming together.
Today I turn the vapor of the ideas in my head,
Into steam that fuels my momentum.
Steam to make solid the foundations of my tomorrows.
Today’s brand new,
Brand new clay to work with.
So today let me shape my dreams.
Let me enjoy the experience
And design my day into something beautiful.
Heartbreak harvest
Why is it that you cause me pain
Yet I still cling to you?
You rip my heart out
And play with it like a toy,
Yet for you it still calls.
I cannot understand this love
That cuts me deep,
Every time I think of you.
I exsosize you,
Like a ghost
You haunt me, my dreams.
I rationalize, philophize, pray, strategize.
But you don’t leave my mind/heart
Why, I ask
Does my heart call out to you?
When I know that all I will reap
Is pain when you leave yet again?
Why is it?
raylitpoems 2003
Yet I still cling to you?
You rip my heart out
And play with it like a toy,
Yet for you it still calls.
I cannot understand this love
That cuts me deep,
Every time I think of you.
I exsosize you,
Like a ghost
You haunt me, my dreams.
I rationalize, philophize, pray, strategize.
But you don’t leave my mind/heart
Why, I ask
Does my heart call out to you?
When I know that all I will reap
Is pain when you leave yet again?
Why is it?
raylitpoems 2003
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
sometimes
Sometimes it rains when I thought the sun
would shine and brighten my day
and it ruins my day
I wish that I could control the seasons
make them do what I will.
Sometimes I wish that I could turn back the clock
and change my destiny.
it is hard to cope with things
that I cannot control,
things that have hurt me
and caused me pain
but what I choose to do is stand strong
and do my very best
that when I look back at the sands of time
I may know that I did something
I did not let the storm toss me away.
I learnt to lean on God at these times;
I let him anchor me in his love
because he holds my future and the rain both
in his hands.
No matter what happens
I know
one thing is for sure.
God will be right by my side,
watching over me.
raylitpoems 2005
would shine and brighten my day
and it ruins my day
I wish that I could control the seasons
make them do what I will.
Sometimes I wish that I could turn back the clock
and change my destiny.
it is hard to cope with things
that I cannot control,
things that have hurt me
and caused me pain
but what I choose to do is stand strong
and do my very best
that when I look back at the sands of time
I may know that I did something
I did not let the storm toss me away.
I learnt to lean on God at these times;
I let him anchor me in his love
because he holds my future and the rain both
in his hands.
No matter what happens
I know
one thing is for sure.
God will be right by my side,
watching over me.
raylitpoems 2005
Bliss;
That first kiss that made me tingle.
That taste of chocolate that gives me a sugar high.
The smell of that perfume that makes me feel like a supermodel on the runway.
That music that makes me dance, sing, lift me up when am down.
The smile of my nephew that touches my heart.
Ice cold water or milk on a hot day.
Finding a pair of great shoes in my size and the right price.
Laughing until I cry.
Knowing God loves me unconditionally.
Putting a smile on a loved one's face.
Sharing a meal with the people I love.
Writing a good poem or story.
Impacting someone's life positively.
Seeing my dreams come true.
Being myself, true to me, not hiding behind masks.
Holding a little baby in my arms.
All the little things that make me happy.
Bliss.
That first kiss that made me tingle.
That taste of chocolate that gives me a sugar high.
The smell of that perfume that makes me feel like a supermodel on the runway.
That music that makes me dance, sing, lift me up when am down.
The smile of my nephew that touches my heart.
Ice cold water or milk on a hot day.
Finding a pair of great shoes in my size and the right price.
Laughing until I cry.
Knowing God loves me unconditionally.
Putting a smile on a loved one's face.
Sharing a meal with the people I love.
Writing a good poem or story.
Impacting someone's life positively.
Seeing my dreams come true.
Being myself, true to me, not hiding behind masks.
Holding a little baby in my arms.
All the little things that make me happy.
Bliss.
African beauty
She awakes with the morning sun,
Walks down to the river,
Her hips swaying gently to an internal rhythm.
Her full luscious lips humming along to a tune as old as time.
The sunlight hits her honey brown oiled skin,
So smooth and flawless it begs to be touched.
Her eyes they hold laughter, twinkling gently with mirth
And her deep dimples they wrinkle as she laughs.
Her natural black hair in cornrows decorated with shells,
And a pot balanced delicately on her head.
Her clothing is simple and it does no justice,
To her full African figure,
Body carved like a beautiful statue,
Plump thighs and breasts and big hips
As she walks, her elegant legs take on
A rhythm, a catwalk.
She is an unrivalled beauty.
An African queen.
She is beauty,
An African woman.
raylitpoems 2004
Walks down to the river,
Her hips swaying gently to an internal rhythm.
Her full luscious lips humming along to a tune as old as time.
The sunlight hits her honey brown oiled skin,
So smooth and flawless it begs to be touched.
Her eyes they hold laughter, twinkling gently with mirth
And her deep dimples they wrinkle as she laughs.
Her natural black hair in cornrows decorated with shells,
And a pot balanced delicately on her head.
Her clothing is simple and it does no justice,
To her full African figure,
Body carved like a beautiful statue,
Plump thighs and breasts and big hips
As she walks, her elegant legs take on
A rhythm, a catwalk.
She is an unrivalled beauty.
An African queen.
She is beauty,
An African woman.
raylitpoems 2004
Monday, April 4, 2011
Clown face.
Bleeding on the inside,
Grinning on the outside.
These are the days of my life.
Days of unwept tears,
And a heart that’s broken.
A smiling mask,
Hides the pain
But loved ones they know,
Understand what’s left unsaid.
I could be a clown,
Entertain with words and stories,
Yet inside there's something broken.
So I stand at the mirror
And apply another layer of non visible makeup.
Makeup of make believe,
That am ok.
Grinning on the outside.
These are the days of my life.
Days of unwept tears,
And a heart that’s broken.
A smiling mask,
Hides the pain
But loved ones they know,
Understand what’s left unsaid.
I could be a clown,
Entertain with words and stories,
Yet inside there's something broken.
So I stand at the mirror
And apply another layer of non visible makeup.
Makeup of make believe,
That am ok.
My song is playing!
There's the song of my life playing.
Telling the story of my heart,
Of my joys and tears,
Of my life, of unexpected curves and blessings
That made my heart burst.
The song tells the story of my journey of life,
Of the detours, roads that lead to nowhere
And highways to the most beautiful sights.
The story of how I have eaten from the pots of love
And drank from the bitter springs of pain.
I have flown and crashed.
I have cried and laughed.
My song has changed sometimes it rocks,
Sometimes it jazzes, sometimes it blues
And sometimes it’s full of soul.
My song, my song.
I've rapped my story,
Sometimes just played it out of key
And sometimes it’s played so perfect like a violin
That Mozart could have set the music to sheet.
My song hasn’t always been on beat
Or made me want to dance.
But it’s my song.
I will dance to my song when am happy,
Cry when it’s sad,
Clap when it gives an excellent performance.
My song, that’s what’s playing on my brainwaves,
Mefm100.0 right now.
So let my song play Mr. GOD DJ.
Telling the story of my heart,
Of my joys and tears,
Of my life, of unexpected curves and blessings
That made my heart burst.
The song tells the story of my journey of life,
Of the detours, roads that lead to nowhere
And highways to the most beautiful sights.
The story of how I have eaten from the pots of love
And drank from the bitter springs of pain.
I have flown and crashed.
I have cried and laughed.
My song has changed sometimes it rocks,
Sometimes it jazzes, sometimes it blues
And sometimes it’s full of soul.
My song, my song.
I've rapped my story,
Sometimes just played it out of key
And sometimes it’s played so perfect like a violin
That Mozart could have set the music to sheet.
My song hasn’t always been on beat
Or made me want to dance.
But it’s my song.
I will dance to my song when am happy,
Cry when it’s sad,
Clap when it gives an excellent performance.
My song, that’s what’s playing on my brainwaves,
Mefm100.0 right now.
So let my song play Mr. GOD DJ.
Wanna be in love again
I wanna be in love.
Feel that adrenaline rush that makes me hot and cold at the same time.
I want to anticipate that first kiss.
I wanna hold hands and show you off that your mine.
I wanna draw maps on the ground when you make me blush.
Want to smile when I look at your picture
And get excited when you call me.
I want to get mad, glad, and sad about you.
I want to cook for you, fatten you up.
I want to get a big hug
And breathe in your cologne,
Let it work on my senses.
I want to tingle when I think about you.
I wanna write you poetry,
That makes you happy and sometimes blush.
I want to tease you and drive you crazy.
I wanna be in love again.
Feel that adrenaline rush that makes me hot and cold at the same time.
I want to anticipate that first kiss.
I wanna hold hands and show you off that your mine.
I wanna draw maps on the ground when you make me blush.
Want to smile when I look at your picture
And get excited when you call me.
I want to get mad, glad, and sad about you.
I want to cook for you, fatten you up.
I want to get a big hug
And breathe in your cologne,
Let it work on my senses.
I want to tingle when I think about you.
I wanna write you poetry,
That makes you happy and sometimes blush.
I want to tease you and drive you crazy.
I wanna be in love again.
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