God your a great guy. known me all my life, know all my truimphs and failures and still are there for me. Lets get buddy buddy for a minute and tell me whats up? Whats the plan? It seems you have a strategic plan for my life but I dont know about it. What are the highlights? Can I get a summary? It would be nice if you could share what your planning for the next couple of years?
I would like to know what happens. Do I get a new job? New man? Children? Mother in law from heaven or hell?
It would be nice if you could give me just a peek into how my life is going to be like. You know I trust you. You made me after all. And you had a plan of how my life should be like. Yes I know I messed up and deviated from the plan. Hey it helps to be a prodigal because when you come back you know you will never make the same mistake again. Ok so I have been a black sheep more then once. Am working on it. Am taking dyeing classes to clean up my act, actually if you could just wash me with the blood of the lamb I'd be cool. white as snow.
So am glad we are having this conversation. So its of how, can I see the blueprint of the way things will turn out. The suspense is killing me.
Sincerely your pal,
Rayhab.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Diary of a mad hurter.
Today am feeling it, emotions burnt raw. I feel like being a gal and crying, huge pools of tears that bleach out the pain. Unfortunately am not that gal, and my twin painkillers of food and writing just serve to depress. I gained about 10kgs did you know? Weighed myself yesterday just to confirm what I already knew. That chocolate biscuits and crisps just serve to make my fat cells and taste buds happy.
The writing, well it’s a painting of just how tortured a soul could get from love, broken love. Sometimes I look at my words and marvel, because am like did you have that much power over me, power to make me want to cry, to be bitter and tormented?
You are clearly my muse, because whether in love or hurt you inspire me to write. Actually many of my best pieces are based on you. I will not subscribe to the words "I hate you". Those words have power over a soul, as much or more then the words "I love you." One day I will look at these words, a journal of a heart in hurt rehabilitation. I will marvel at how foolish I was to let you break my heart, actually wonder what I ever saw in you. But not today. My emotions are scorched, bleeding raw, sensitive. For today I allow myself to bleed, to feel, to think. For today my emotions are raw and exposed.
The writing, well it’s a painting of just how tortured a soul could get from love, broken love. Sometimes I look at my words and marvel, because am like did you have that much power over me, power to make me want to cry, to be bitter and tormented?
You are clearly my muse, because whether in love or hurt you inspire me to write. Actually many of my best pieces are based on you. I will not subscribe to the words "I hate you". Those words have power over a soul, as much or more then the words "I love you." One day I will look at these words, a journal of a heart in hurt rehabilitation. I will marvel at how foolish I was to let you break my heart, actually wonder what I ever saw in you. But not today. My emotions are scorched, bleeding raw, sensitive. For today I allow myself to bleed, to feel, to think. For today my emotions are raw and exposed.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Searching for a Daddy!
Daddy figure. Yes, looking for a daddy figure to take care of me.
Not a sugar daddy thats not my thing,and I aint for sale.
I want a man, daddy figure whose a real dad. A man who loves me unconditionally. A man who knows being a daddy is not just making babies but looking after them, nurturing and disciplining them.
A man whose priority is his family, not chasing paper so that he can chase the bottle and loose skirts. A man not afraid to do homework with his kids. A daddy who loves to spend most of his free time with his family. A man with a sense of humour and a love for God.
I want a daddy figure whose not afraid of the kitchen, whose comfortable cooking for his kids when mama's not around. Yet he is a real man, bringing in a paycheck, making sure to plan for his children's lives. A man who can hang out with his boys yet know that his family is the most important priority in his life.
I want a man who knows his role as my man, as a father to my kids. I want a daddy figure. A man like my Dad.
Not a sugar daddy thats not my thing,and I aint for sale.
I want a man, daddy figure whose a real dad. A man who loves me unconditionally. A man who knows being a daddy is not just making babies but looking after them, nurturing and disciplining them.
A man whose priority is his family, not chasing paper so that he can chase the bottle and loose skirts. A man not afraid to do homework with his kids. A daddy who loves to spend most of his free time with his family. A man with a sense of humour and a love for God.
I want a daddy figure whose not afraid of the kitchen, whose comfortable cooking for his kids when mama's not around. Yet he is a real man, bringing in a paycheck, making sure to plan for his children's lives. A man who can hang out with his boys yet know that his family is the most important priority in his life.
I want a man who knows his role as my man, as a father to my kids. I want a daddy figure. A man like my Dad.
Looking for love
Where do I start?
Looking for love, in all the right places,
That’s what I should be doing.
But what happens if am still hang up on you?
On your smile that warmed my heart.
On our conversations that made my day.
How you made me smile when I was down.
Where do I look for another guy who has the qualities that you did,
A you that’s not you.
Problem is I need a clone of you,
One who won’t take me for granted and break my heart.
Been out of that date madness so long I don’t know where to start.
On the web, in church, through the networks.
Don’t want to be alone yet don’t know,
If am ready for the highs and lows of love.
The blows that knock you to the ground
Or the power that makes you soar.
I don’t know if am ready for love
Or is it love is ready for me?
Looking for love, in all the right places,
That’s what I should be doing.
But what happens if am still hang up on you?
On your smile that warmed my heart.
On our conversations that made my day.
How you made me smile when I was down.
Where do I look for another guy who has the qualities that you did,
A you that’s not you.
Problem is I need a clone of you,
One who won’t take me for granted and break my heart.
Been out of that date madness so long I don’t know where to start.
On the web, in church, through the networks.
Don’t want to be alone yet don’t know,
If am ready for the highs and lows of love.
The blows that knock you to the ground
Or the power that makes you soar.
I don’t know if am ready for love
Or is it love is ready for me?
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Riding high
High. Riding on the crest of life. Feel like the ocean free to move, to flow. The tides have changed. The days of self pity and anger have gone, swept into the sea of change. A fresh, fragnant breeze is coming in. And waves of laughter, good cheer and better things are rolling in. I wanna surf the waves, spread my hands and embrace the waves of new things that are coming my way. The tides are changing and the currents fortell only good things.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Seductive rhythm
When my body meets the night they dance.
There's something seductive about the disco lights,
They free my inhibitions.
I run to meet my lover, the dance floor.
My body starts to shake, moving to the rhythm.
My curves kiss the music not wanting to let go,
Because this kiss is deep making my toes curl,
And my body trembles.
The music seduces me with its sweet taste,
Leaves me begging for more.
The night runs swift like a Kenyan runner,
Am left wanting more,
Aching to dance some more.
Shake those hips, move those legs and swing those arms.
I want more.
My body is being seduced by the dance floor.
I wanna get down till the break of dawn.
So let the night cover me with its cloak,
Hold me close,
Let my lover the dance floor make me high.
Let me dance!
There's something seductive about the disco lights,
They free my inhibitions.
I run to meet my lover, the dance floor.
My body starts to shake, moving to the rhythm.
My curves kiss the music not wanting to let go,
Because this kiss is deep making my toes curl,
And my body trembles.
The music seduces me with its sweet taste,
Leaves me begging for more.
The night runs swift like a Kenyan runner,
Am left wanting more,
Aching to dance some more.
Shake those hips, move those legs and swing those arms.
I want more.
My body is being seduced by the dance floor.
I wanna get down till the break of dawn.
So let the night cover me with its cloak,
Hold me close,
Let my lover the dance floor make me high.
Let me dance!
Finally
Finally I can say,
My heart is soothed,
Bitterness that took root has been pulled out roots and all,
Am letting thoughts of inspiration flow like water through me,
Removing the debris of what we had.
I’m letting go of the anger and pain,
I can afford to smile again.
I let forgiveness wash the salt off my wounds.
We will never be friends like we used to,
That requires trust and guess what don’t trust you
With my heart no more.
You were careless with it, broke it
Yet you claimed you loved me.
You know why am strong.
Because I deserve better,
And I finally woke up, smelt the coffee and moved on.
So am taking the bits and pieces of my heart,
That were scattered,
Putting them back together.
For you there’s a sign,
“No through road “ and “STOP”.
There’s no road open through my heartland anymore,
Am putting up barriers, road under construction.
Am a fighter and one day when
This road that goes through my heart opens,
I will get a better class of driver driving on that road.
The tears, the drama, the heartache,
It’s all behind me like a bad road trip,
On a road full of potholes driving at full speed,
With a drunken matatu driver who doesn’t give a hoot.
I laughed and I cried,
But finally am able to raise my head.
I will get through this journey.
My heart is soothed,
Bitterness that took root has been pulled out roots and all,
Am letting thoughts of inspiration flow like water through me,
Removing the debris of what we had.
I’m letting go of the anger and pain,
I can afford to smile again.
I let forgiveness wash the salt off my wounds.
We will never be friends like we used to,
That requires trust and guess what don’t trust you
With my heart no more.
You were careless with it, broke it
Yet you claimed you loved me.
You know why am strong.
Because I deserve better,
And I finally woke up, smelt the coffee and moved on.
So am taking the bits and pieces of my heart,
That were scattered,
Putting them back together.
For you there’s a sign,
“No through road “ and “STOP”.
There’s no road open through my heartland anymore,
Am putting up barriers, road under construction.
Am a fighter and one day when
This road that goes through my heart opens,
I will get a better class of driver driving on that road.
The tears, the drama, the heartache,
It’s all behind me like a bad road trip,
On a road full of potholes driving at full speed,
With a drunken matatu driver who doesn’t give a hoot.
I laughed and I cried,
But finally am able to raise my head.
I will get through this journey.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Resurrection.
You spread your hands out in love,
Chose not to love yourself more then I.
You choose the hard life, sad life,
A life that you did not deserve,
That’s how much you loved me.
Your love was not without a personal price,
You laid it down for me,
That my life may be raised up.
As I look at the picture of you on that cross,
Your head scarred with a crown of thorns,
Your body stripped of flesh,
Your hands and feet with nails to hold you up
Your side pouring its contents to the ground.
You showed your love for me,
Died a death of shame,
That I may live a life of victory.
But you rose again, that I may know,
That death is not the end,
Only a beginning.
I look to your cross always,
My symbol of victory.
Chose not to love yourself more then I.
You choose the hard life, sad life,
A life that you did not deserve,
That’s how much you loved me.
Your love was not without a personal price,
You laid it down for me,
That my life may be raised up.
As I look at the picture of you on that cross,
Your head scarred with a crown of thorns,
Your body stripped of flesh,
Your hands and feet with nails to hold you up
Your side pouring its contents to the ground.
You showed your love for me,
Died a death of shame,
That I may live a life of victory.
But you rose again, that I may know,
That death is not the end,
Only a beginning.
I look to your cross always,
My symbol of victory.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Love died on the battlefield.
We should talk.
Put down our weapons,
bring down our mental shields.
No one wants to take the blame for bringing us down.
It's a war of words, no one wants to back down.
We are on guard looking for weaknesses
In the others defense to strike.
You did this, I didnt do that.
Tired of all the mental fights in my head.
Playing chess with arguements so that I may move ahead.
It doesn't matter who won the fight
Because in the end we both lost.
Love died on the battlefield
Where we tried to settle our differences with weapons of words
That were sharper then any sword.
Limping off the battlefield I wonder,
Was the war over love worth it?
Did we break the peace only to lose something precious
That now is dead and cant be rescusitated.
Love died on the battlefield.
Put down our weapons,
bring down our mental shields.
No one wants to take the blame for bringing us down.
It's a war of words, no one wants to back down.
We are on guard looking for weaknesses
In the others defense to strike.
You did this, I didnt do that.
Tired of all the mental fights in my head.
Playing chess with arguements so that I may move ahead.
It doesn't matter who won the fight
Because in the end we both lost.
Love died on the battlefield
Where we tried to settle our differences with weapons of words
That were sharper then any sword.
Limping off the battlefield I wonder,
Was the war over love worth it?
Did we break the peace only to lose something precious
That now is dead and cant be rescusitated.
Love died on the battlefield.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
My heart is dialling your number
I miss you.
I know I shouldn’t.
I want to pick up the phone and call.
Pride won’t let me.
Words were said, feelings were hurt.
Trying to move on, but invisible strings keep putting me back.
Logic has nothing to do with what I feel.
Logic dictates that I move forward,
Many fish in the sea waiting to be caught.
My heart insists that there’s only one knight in shining armor for me.
Letting go is harder than staying.
But it was time to stop living a fairytale.
In real life things don’t always work out
People don’t always live happily ever after,
Just because they are in love.
They fight, break up, make up and sometimes breakups are final.
So I want to call,
My heart is dialing your number
But my brain is refusing to connect the call.
So another day goes,
And sanity slowly returns.
I know I shouldn’t.
I want to pick up the phone and call.
Pride won’t let me.
Words were said, feelings were hurt.
Trying to move on, but invisible strings keep putting me back.
Logic has nothing to do with what I feel.
Logic dictates that I move forward,
Many fish in the sea waiting to be caught.
My heart insists that there’s only one knight in shining armor for me.
Letting go is harder than staying.
But it was time to stop living a fairytale.
In real life things don’t always work out
People don’t always live happily ever after,
Just because they are in love.
They fight, break up, make up and sometimes breakups are final.
So I want to call,
My heart is dialing your number
But my brain is refusing to connect the call.
So another day goes,
And sanity slowly returns.
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