Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Letting go!

Let's be true, say whats in the heart. Let me not lie and say I dont want to hate you. I do but I wont. I dont wanna be bitter, let the anger and hurt burn out the good emotions in me, till all I have left acid emotion that corrodes my heart. Tired of the pain, I want to move forward. So I reach out and forgive you. Its not for you, its for me that I may be free. Slowly, I let happiness back into my heart.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Baby blues

Maggie waited impatiently for Daniel to arrive. She couldn’t wait to give him the news and she wondered how he would take the news. She wondered if this was just what she needed. She had felt Dan slipping away but had never suspected what she found out last night.


Last night or rather evening Dan had gone out jogging and left his phone in the house. Maggie was busy cooking in the kitchen thinking sadly how it would be nice to have the pitter patter of little feet in the house. She couldn’t believe that they had been married for seven years and no children yet.

Maggie had given up her career as a nursery school teacher when she married Daniel. Daniel was from a wealthy family and she had meet him when he came to pick his nephew from school. Daniel had said it was love at first sight but it wasn’t for her. She was from a poor family and she did not believe in fairy tales where rich princes married poor cinderellas. Daniel had taken his time and woed her and her family. He had swept aside her objections and made her fall for him.

Maggie had planned to have children immediately but nothing seemed to materialis. Daniel told her not to worry the children would come. She felt helpless having nothing to do so she started gardening and putting her life into managing the huge shamba that they had been given for a wedding present.

Maggie and daniel had started getting worried in the third year when nothing was happening. They went to a doctor and maggie was found to be ok. Daniel was found to have a low sperm count but he was given medicine to help with that. The only problem is that he always made it seem that she had the problem. But because Daniel was the breadwinner and everything and she did not want to make him look like less of a man she kept quiet.

As she was working in the kitchen and thinking about the past Daniel’s phone rang. She usually did not pick his phone so she continued what she was doing. It rang constistenly, being cut and called again. She went to the sitting room to get the phone and tell the person that daniel was not at home. But by the time she did it was off. Then she saw a flashing message. Maybe it was the same person. Dan was such an important busy person. Maybe it was a client wanting to get intouch. Dan would be upset if he missed out on an important deal.

Maggie punched in his security code, he had never changed it all the time she had known him but there was no need. They trusted each other with stuff like that. What she saw made her have to seat down.

“darling I am just from the doctor. I am so excited. I am pregnant and It is going to be a baby boy. We can name him Kamau like your father. I will be waiting for you tomorrow night. Cant wait to see my baby daddy again. Love you loads and loads.”

Kamau was Dan’s father so there was no wishing that the sms was a mistake. Maggie felt pain like she had never felt it. She felt like someone had ripped out her heart. She could not believe it. She sat on the sofa and cried and cried.

Fortunately she remembered that she was in the middle of cooking and that dan was due any moment. She deleted the message knowing that there was no way Dan would not notice that his message had been read if the person asked him. “ let her think that the message did not reach.

That night as she slept beside the man she had loved, a man she thought would never betray her she felt the stirring of hatred. “after all I have done to keep quiet and allow kamau to pretend that I am the one with the problem, he goes out and has an affair. And the slut is pregnant. What am I going to do?”

In the morning she called her sister Mary . Her sister was going to have her fourth baby and was heavily pregnant. She had married a friend of Dan’s. When she explained what was going on, her sister told her not to cry. “my dear, this is not the time for tears. If you allow yourself to wallow in it, you shall lose the battle. Come here right now I will have thought of something.”

Maggie went to visit Mary and mary hatched a plan. It was only a short term plan but they would think of a long term solution later. The idea was to make sure Daniel did not leave her for the other woman. It had to work because maggie did not know what she would do if it didn’t. the sisters went to the pharmacy to get some things and then they went for lunch.


It was seven o’clock and maggie was waiting for dan to come home. She had called him at lunch time and told him there was something she had to tell him, exciting news. Dan asked her , “cant it wait until I come home later. You know today is the night I hang out with tbe boys?”

Maggie told him it was something that couldn’t wait. He asked her to tell him on the phone but she said it was something she had to tell him in person. “fine,” he said, “ I will pass by there then see if I will get time to go see my boys?”

Maggie took a bubble bath and had some wine while she was there to calm her nerves. “ will it work? Will it work?” She thought. she wore a dress that was a favourite of Dan’s and the perfume he loved. She had prepared a delicious meal for him and all she wanted was for him to come.

When daniel arrived she rushed to get him a drink. He was clearly impatient to be off to see his “boys.”

“maggie just tell me what’s up? Whats with the romantic lighting and the sexy clothes? I told you I have to go.”

“I was going to tell you after dinner and show your surprise.but since you are so impatient let me bring it so that you can see it. “

Maggie rushed to the room and brought something to the table.

“what is it?” dan said impatiently.

“it’s a pregnancy test and its positive. Actually I took two just to be sure. We are going to have a baby. Isnt that the most exciting news in the world. We are finally going to be parents “

That shut Daniel up. He was speechless and could not say everything. Maggie saw the fake smile that he pasted on his face and inside she laughed. Daniel said that in light of the news he would not be going out. He went to the sitting room and brought out a bottle of scotch and started drinking it.


Later as they were in bed with each of them trying to pretend that they were sleeping Maggie thought. I have caught you. Now to plan B. she smiled and as she went to sleep she gave thanks to God for a clever, pregnant sister.

Friday, March 25, 2011


That hide hurt, despair, depression,
We walk around with.
We laugh, but the laughter doesn’t reach our eyes.
Our hearts hurt,
But we don’t want to break down,
We don’t want to have to tell our stories,
Because the telling of it,
Makes it more tangible,
Makes the losses, the pain, more real.
We hide behind polite masks,
That are illusions,
Of what’s going on inside.
For if we show it,
Show the madness that’s inside,the despair
Some will rejoice at our downfall,
Others will use it to feed the rumourmill
Or usurp our power,
Because we are at our weakest point.
So we pretend that everything is good,
Yet little by little we die inside,
With big smiles plastered on our faces.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Soul chasing

I wonder if my soul leaked out
And ran when my heart broke and bleed out my emotions.
There's something missing,
Because my heart isn’t ticking quite right.
All the joy that was in me,
That painted my landscapes in vivid, living colour is painted black,
And my dreams trapped in space,
Can’t catch them in my sleep.
All my castles in the air crashed, leaving dust, ash and regret
Where once lofty dreams perched.
I hope my soul run to ride on a dragon's tail,
To have adventures to chase away bitter tears, heartbreak.
I hope my soul went to look for joy,
To make a numb heart leap again.
My mind might then move forward from its emotional wasteland,
When my soul returns with renewed energy.
Then my mind, body, soul and emotions will agree on a path
Moving forward, healed and rejuvenated,
Towards the fate I have embraced.

Thursday, March 17, 2011


I want,
Your light to shine in me and through me,
Brighter then the sun,
When they look, see you inside me.
But I am weak,
I need your love, your spirit to fill me,
Saturate the whole of me,
Make me whole again,
Because I can't give what I dont have.
Sometimes I feel so broken,
that I cant stand, raise my head up high,
But you know me,
You created me for a purpose,
You know the way I feel, hurt, despair.
You lift me up,
Restore my mind, heart and body.
Let your love burn inside me,
Chase away my insecurities, my feelings of unworth.
Let me see me the way you see me.
A masterpiece, a one of a kind creation.
I feel sometimes like am paddling,
when I should be swimming
But am grateful am not drowning,
one day I will attempt to walk on water,
One day my faith will be that big.
Renew my mind, my will to live for you.
Change me, mold me, transform me,
Into a disciple who walks in your footsteps.

Sunday, March 13, 2011


Am holding onto today,
Desperately trying to get through it without breaking down.
Don't wanna look at yesterday, last month, last year,
6 years ago because I may turn into a pillar of salt, salt tears.
Trying to maintain my composure, block out the pain.
Its time to move on, but it hurts, leaving you behind.
Love hurts, breaks the heart sometimes.
I don't hate you! I love you still
But it wasn't working no more.
I gotta map my future alone,
Without you in it, though I go at it,
With a missing piece of my heart,
Heart that I gave you.
I'm holding on to today,
Trying to be strong, because I can't glance back to yesterday
Or try to take a peak at tomorrow without you,
Because I may stumble,
The pain is just too great.
Holding on desperately, to today!

raylitpoems 2011

Friday, March 11, 2011


There's sunshine in your smile,
And your smile is like a prism when it is held towards the light,
It sparkles and falls in multicolour,
Beautiful is the word to describe it.
I fell in love the first time I saw You,
Could not t believe the rush of love I felt towards you,
And when I touched you n felt your fingers touch mine,
I felt a bond that I can't explain,
But I knew this would be a lifetime love.
I will love you through eternity,
Gladly lay down my life for yours any given day.
I thank the lord for you!
Giving me this chance to meet an angel,
Whose laughter echoes in my heart
And whose smile can lighten my moods.
I will always try my best to give you all that I can,
Christian counsel, love and other things,
And pray for you, leave the rest to God.
Always your my sunshine on a rainy day,
And I will always love you, pray for you,
Watch over you and bless you.
May the lord watch over you and keep you,
May his angels watch over you,
May his grace shine on you always,
May his love follow you everywhere you go,
Baby I love You!

This poem is dedicated and about my nephew Sean and Niece Muthoni. Children are such a blessing and the love they bring out in us is amazing. They are truly miracles from God.


She likes, no loves to set fires,
To set ablaze the desires of men.
She feeds on desire, it makes her feel powerful.
The want she creates in men when she flirts, teases
Or seduces a man with her body is an aphrodisiac for her.
It’s not the sex she loves or craves,
It's the power to turn those men into her slaves.

She is like a witch,
Bewitching men with her body,
Her body becomes a spell when she offers herself up as a sacrifice to her lover.
Once tasted, desire and desperation to taste again ignites and he is bound.
She plays body games, mind games, sexual games,
Dancing such moves that she leaves the competition lagging,
Struggling to understand what she gives those men,
That makes them stick like glue.
She just laughs,
Because her secrets only she and Victoria secrets know.

She is a sexual vixen, a goddess worshiped by many,
A vampire that feeds on lust.
Sexy scandalous is her trademark.
She is Siren.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


I have realized am not a superwoman. I tried to be, I did. I tried to be all that you wanted me to be, but in the end I aint invincible, I bleed.

I bleed when you ignore me, when you act like what I want is not important,
When you stay silent and I want us to talk, when I’m willing to give up everything for you but you won’t meet me halfway.

You make me bleed when you say I cant inherit our father's property because am a woman yet once you grew you moved out, got married and never bring money home and I, even though I left, got married, still support them.

You make me bleed because when you married me, promised to be my provider, yet the barmaids and clandes see more money in a day then I see from you in a month. Am your woman, yet I have to be a man, do all the things that you my man should do for me. I have had to develop hard skin like a rhino.

Hey am working for my kids and I. Making a better future for me and mine. I'm saving to buy that plot, build that house, buy that car, and am getting that education to open doors for me, both financial and intellectual. Am making my dreams come true.

I can’t be your superwoman, it hurts too much. But I can be mine. I can be a warrior princess defending my right to be happy, to be fulfilled. To have all the things I thought we'd get together but you weren’t interested. So watch me fly, soar.

Happy international woman's day to me.