The house where I live is at the top of the hill. You can’t miss it; it’s the white three story
mansion that is bordered almost all around by the slums. Except for the side that faces Muthaiga and
which has a private driveway. It’s a
beautiful house it actually looks like a castle. The kind a girl dreams about to live in and
live happily ever after. I wish it was. Appearances are deceiving because that is a
castle of nightmares.
My name is Carol. I started living here
two years ago when I was ten. My parents
died in an accident and there was no one to claim me. Mama Salma said that she would take me in. No one argued, well no one would dare too. Mama Salma supports half of the slum I used
to live in, in one way or another.
“Carol you are going to be very happy with me.
All my girls are happy. And you
are so pretty, in a couple of years you will be beautiful. Yes, you will do. Yes, you will do very nicely,” Mama Salma
told me. It’s a good thing I didn’t know
what she meant else I would have refused to go with her.
We walked to the edge of the slum with Mama Salma. Her with her beautiful fashionable clothes
and me with my hand me down second hand clothes. A Mercedes picked us up from the edge of the
slum and drove towards a gated compound just next to the slum. The gates opened themselves as if by magic
and I only discovered later that they were called electric gates.
As the white mansion neared I was caught up in amazement at the lawn and the
compound the likes of which I had only seen on TV. The mansion was big, a massive three floors. The inside was even more impressive. It was painted in shades of red and cream and
the floors were marble. It was beautiful. I almost pinched myself to see if I was
dreaming.
I was taken to the second floor. The
pretty lady who took me there smiled and opened for me a room. “This will be your room,” she said. I was stunned. I asked, “I will be sharing this room with
other children?”
“ No!
It’s just you. We need to get you
out of those awful clothes. You need to
get clean and then we will de-lice you. We
can’t have you not looking beautiful. Come
let me show you the bathroom.”
I wondered what it is about beauty that attracted these people. I had noticed that all the people I had met
had been either handsome or beautiful. People
told me I was pretty. My daddy actually
used to tell me I was beautiful and when I would grow up I would turn heads.
I was short. I had pretty brown eyes, a
light brown complexion, and long natural hair.
I hadn’t started blooming yet. My
breasts had not come out and neither had my hips. I was a rose about to bloom. Looking back to then when I was naive and
innocent I was a rose ripe to be picked and bloom in someone’s garden.
After I had been washed, (I found this strange as I had not been washed since I
was 4) the pretty lady who had introduced herself as Natalie, went out and when
she returned she had some beautiful dresses and sandals. “Pick one and wear it,” Natalie said.
I was unsure of what to choose. I had
never had new, new clothes. All my
clothes had been bought second hand from the market or handed down to me by my
cousins. I choose a yellow sundress and
some pretty red sandals.
Natalie sat me down after that and told me there were rules to be followed in
the house. The first rule is that I was
never to go anyone unaccompanied by someone from the house. The second was that what happened in the
house was private it was not for telling to strangers. The third was that I should never try to run
away or break any of the above rules otherwise I would be punished. The fourth rule was that I was not to leave
my room without permission. Natalie
asked me whether I understand and I said I did.
Natalie said with a sad smile, “you don’t have to stay here. Do you have any relatives that you can go
stay with? You have one chance to leave
and that’s right now.”
“ I don’t have anywhere to go,” I said.
Natalie sighed and then said, “Well now that you’re here to stay I’ll be taking
care of you.” She reached for the
telephone, dialled some numbers, and said, “Please bring some food for
Carol. Some chips, chicken, and a soda
will do. And ice-cream for desert.”
Natalie looked at me and told me, “If you need me press three. That’s my number. Enjoy your food.”
I was left in this room that was big enough to fit our old house plus another
two. There was a big bed in the middle
of the room. It had a pink bedspread,
pink frills, and even a mosquito net. I
thanked God for these wonderful strangers who had taken me in and had given me
luxury that I had never imagined. At
home I used to sleep on a mattress on the floor because there was only one bed,
my parent’s 3 by 4.
For the next two weeks I never left my room.
I watched TV on a big screen TV that was brought to my room. I ate, showered and relaxed that’s all I did. In fact I started adding abit of weight on my
bones.
One day when I was watching TV Natalie came and ordered me to bath. “We are having special guests tonight. They all want to see you. They have heard how pretty you are and they
want to see you for themselves,” she said.
Natalie took me to the bathroom and this time again she washed me then she
braided my hair into cornrows. She oiled
me with some fragrantly smelling oil and sprayed some perfume on me. When we returned to my room there was a lacy
dress that did not seem to have any lining.
Wear that, I was ordered. I was
puzzled but I was too frightened to speak.
Natalie had this expression on her face.
I can’t describe it but I felt scared.
There was no underwear and when I asked for some I was told it doesn’t
matter. She gave me a glass with some
juice and told me to drink it. It tasted
funny but since I didn’t want to argue I drank it up.
We went downstairs through a lift that was at the end of the corridor. I was taken to a large room where there were
many chairs and a sort of stage with one seat.
I was told to sit there. There
were men in the room, no women except Mama Salma and Natalie. Natalie came and stood by me. The men were drinking. I was young but I knew the smell of alcohol.
I sat there feeling so uncomfortable. I
was wondering who these men were and what they were doing there. And all these men were looking at me. They were around 20 of them. Some old and some young. They all had one thing in common. They all looked rich. Having lived in the slum you can tell when
someone had money. You can look at their
face, nails and hands and clothes and you can tell.
After a while mama Salma stood and clapped.
She smiled and said, “Welcome gentlemen.
It is our honour to host you again at our lovely abode. Today we have a tasty morsel for you. We have managed to acquire into our family a
young untouched girl. She is a virgin
and she is up for sale. We will start
bidding at 250,000 thousand Kenya Shillings.
Gentlemen come look at the merchandise.
Isn’t she beautiful?”
At this point I was shaking. I looked
around; I thought they were talking about someone else. But when the men started walking towards me
with leery grins I realized I was in trouble.
I was in deep deep trouble. I
couldn’t believe that this could be happening to me. I started feeling dizzy and my heart was
racing. I tried to stand and run away. Natalie held me down to the chair. For some reason I was feeling tired and my
muscles were not obeying my commands.
When the first man came and started touching my face and caressing it, I
fainted!
When I awoke I felt groggy. I was
shaking and I couldn’t understand why. Then
I looked down and saw that I was naked, just covered with a sheet on my bed. Then I remembered what had happened in that
room. I started crying.
Natalie came to me and told me to hush. “Why
are you crying? Crying will not change
anything. You are very valuable. Do you know how much your virginity is worth? She paused and chuckled. There’s a man who will pay 100,000 dollars to
be your first lover. And you had better
make it worth his while.”
I trembled. I couldn’t understand what
was going on. Who were this people? Why did this man want to take my virginity? Growing up in the slum and having to sleep in
the same one room with my parents I knew what sex was. Sex was something grownups did together. So why did this man want to sleep with me? I understood that losing my virginity was
sleeping with a man.
I was puzzled by this. I asked Natalie,
“Why are you doing this?” Natalie smiled
and said, "My darling one day you will learn that sex makes the world go
round. It is a currency. It is power.
Whoever controls it is powerful. Always
remember that. There are many men who
want sex and are willing to pay a lot of money for it.”
For the next two weeks I was a prisoner.
I was not allowed to leave my room.
There was a security guard posted outside my door so that I could not
escape. Every day twice a day there was
a woman who came, scrubbed me down with some portions, and massaged my skin
with fragrant oils. My skin was glowing
and became so soft.
I cried and pleaded with Natalie to stop what was going to take place. She didn’t listen. I spend my time crying and praying for
salvation. None came. It seemed that there was no hope for me.
One morning a hairdresser came to my room.
My hair was natural. She put
chemicals on it and straightened it. Then
she put curls in it. She cleaned,
painted my toenails and nails with clear nail polish. She tweezed my eyebrows and did a facial for
my skin.
I was then washed in the tub and massaged with fragrant oils and lotions. I was made to wear a white dress and white
sandals. There were flowers put in my
hair. I was so frightened because I
guessed that the dreaded day had come. I
tried to plea for salvation to those who were attending me but no one was moved.
Later a man I was told was a doctor came to examine me. He checked me all over and then gave me an
injection. I found out later it was
drugs to make me relax and not be tense.
A car came for me. Natalie came with me. I was taken to the other side of town. We passed through the slum on the way out and
I looked at my former neighborhood. I
wished I could go back there to play and stay.
I couldn’t believe that a couple of weeks ago I was there. It seemed like a lifetime ago.
After about an hour we reached our destination.
We had been stuck in jam for about 30 minutes. I had tried to plead again with Natalie but
she wouldn’t listen. At some point she
got annoyed and told me in a harsh tone to shut up. I shrunk into my seat and kept quiet.
When we arrived at the destination I was surprised. The biggest, grandest house I had ever seen
was Mama Selma’s house but this was bigger and grander. From outside it was colored in orange and
cream paint. The driveway was long, with
gardens and green lawns stretching beside it.
When we reached the house a man dressed in uniform came and opened the door. He ushered us into the house. I later found out that this man was a butler,
apparently rich people have people who open and close for them their front door. They also welcome their guests. It seemed that there were no other servants;
I found out later that they had been sent away.
We walked through and a large corridor filled with paintings and sculptures. I was taken upstairs to a room with a huge bed. The ceiling was something I had never seen. It had a mirror that reflected back the
images in the room.
A man came to greet us. He was not young
or old. I couldn’t estimate his age. He was tall, white, had grey eyes, and slim. When he reached us he smiled. I remember at that time I thought he had a
kind smile. He kissed Natalie on the
cheek and then looked me over. He put
his hand on my face, cupping it and looked into my eyes. He said, “My name is Anthony. We will have a great time together so relax. We are going to have some fun together.”
I must have looked so scared, because he chuckled. Then as if satisfied he let go of me.
He whispered something to Natalie and she left.
I was left alone in the room with this stranger. He went to a sideboard where there was food. He offered me some but I refused. He took out a cigarette from his pocket and
lit it. It smelled funny and I knew it
was bhangi. In the slum many young men
smoked this kind of cigarette.
Natalie came back into the room. She
carried a tray with drinks on them. She
poured some into a glass, came to me, and said, “Drink this. It will help you.”
I took a sip. It was bitter. Natalie forced me to drink it all up. She then took me to the bed, untucked the
covers and made me sit on the sheets which were white. She said, “I know this will be hard but you
have to go through with it. Anthony is a
good man. He will not hurt you like some
of the others would have. If he tells
you to do something do it. Mama Salma
will not be happy if you don’t make him happy.”
Natalie left. Anthony came to the bed. I don’t want to talk about those next few
hours. All I can say is that I have
never felt so much pain in my life. Anthony
hurt me. He stole away my innocence and
broke something in me. I think he broke
my spirit. He used me over and over. I cried and screamed, I fought but to no
avail. Anthony was stronger then me. He did what he wanted with me.
I stayed at Anthony’s house for two days.
On the second day the doctor from Mama Salma’s came to examine me. He cleaned me up inside and gave me another
injection. Apparently this was to make
me sleep.
When I awoke I was at Mama Salma’s house again.
The first thing I saw was Mama Salma and Natalie standing near my bed. They were talking and laughing. When Mama Salma saw I was awake she came
towards the bed.
“Child you did such a great job. Anthony
was very impressed with you. Now you belong here. You get some rest we will talk later,” Mama Salma said. She leaned over and gave me a kiss on my
cheek.
In that moment I felt something I had never felt before in my life. Intense hatred. It burned in me I cant explain it but I hated
this woman with everything in my being. I
turned in bed and looked the other way. I
hurt everywhere; I felt I hurt even deep into my soul. My body felt like it had met a battering ram. I forgot it had.
Mama Salma and Natalie left the room. I
saw at the door a female guard. This
time she stayed inside. Mama Salma
wanted to make sure I didn’t do anything harsh.
Maybe she thought I would jump out of the window. Believe me that day and many other times after
that I thought about it but I guess am a coward I couldn’t go through with it.
I stayed in bed for a week. I cried and
prayed. I thought finally that God
didn’t care about me. He abandoned me in
that house. In that house the gods that
were worshiped were money and sex. I
stopped praying. I didn’t pray for the
next 6 years. I refused to eat anything.
I wish I could say I didn’t drink anything but I was overwhelmingly thirsty. I
thought, “If I don’t eat I will waste away and die.”
Mama Salma wisely stayed away. Natalie came to check in on me periodically. She
would talk to me like nothing had happened. It’s only once that I saw a crack
in her mask. She told me, “You have to be strong. Don’t let them break you. The
biggest revenge you can have on them is not to break. They want to break you.
That’s their purpose and plan” she didn’t say who “them” were but I understood.
The doctor would come every day. He would ask me to part my legs and then he
would check my privates to see how they were healing. He used to put some kind
of medicine to help me heal up, at least that’s what he said. The first day he
had come, the time when he drugged me to take me back to Mama Salma’s he had
stitched me up. I had gotten torn up pretty bad because I was small, not old
enough to have sex.
I used to play the memories of my childhood in my head like a tape. To try and
forget what had happened. I would focus on the happy times I had with my
parents. My parents had wanted many children but unfortunately when I was born
the doctors at Pumwani botched up the c-section and so my mum couldn’t have
other kids. I would play pretend in my mind that they were still around and
that we were having fun the way we used to. Sometimes I could pretend for up to
an hour but when I moved around the bed and the pain started again I couldn’t
hold on to the fantasies.
After one week Mama Salma came into the room with Natalie. She said, “No more
sleeping girl. Its time you came back to the land of the living. I hear you are
refusing to eat. You will eat or you will discover that crossing me will be the
most painful decision you will ever make. Natalie give her a bath and then
bring her downstairs.”
Natalie sponge bathed me and dressed me up. She took me downstairs taking the
lift. It was painful to walk but I had to. The tone Mama Salma had used told me
I would be in very big trouble if I didn’t obey her.
We went to the first floor dining room. I had never been there before. It
looked like something I had seen in a movie about how a dining room should look
like. There were serving dishes on the side of the room and there were some
women in uniform standing there dishing out food.
In the room were about twelve beautiful women. They were different. Some were
short, others tall. Their complexion range was from dark black to a lady who
was white or something close to it. They stood in groups talking and laughing.
They all got quiet though when I entered. They looked at me from top to bottom.
I felt shy because I had never felt such hostile eyes on me before or maybe I
had never noticed. Then just as suddenly they started talking again. I got the
feeling that they were discussing me.
Natalie led me to a chair somewhere in the middle of the huge table that had
been set up with dishes, folks and spoons. Later on I was told that the
cultured word for this was cutlery.
Natalie asked, “What will you eat?”
I didn’t know what they had on offer so I just told her to get me whatever was
there. She went off to get me food. I was left there at the big table hoping
that the ground would come and swallow me.
“Hi.” I heard a cheerful voice saying to me. I had to turn and look at this person
addressing me. The lady addressing me was a short, plump but very beautiful
woman with a chocolate brown complexion. She smiled and then sat down.
“They are all jealous of you, she said. Nodding her head towards the other
ladies in the groups. No client has ever paid the amount that was paid for
you.”
I didn’t know what to say so I just shut up.
“My name is Bubbles. Your name is Carol, isn’t it? At least
that’s what I heard,” the lady said.
I didn’t want to talk. I just wanted to get over with eating because Mama Salma
had forced me. I wanted to go back to bed. I didn’t want to have some small
talk with this lady.
“Am so sorry. I’m bubbling that’s why I’m called Bubbles. I heard what happened
to you? There are some sick men out there.”
Just then Natalie came back with some soup and small rolls of bread. I wondered
is that all they were going to give me. I ate the food before me with gusto. I
was really hungry. When I was done I thought Natalie would take me back to my
room. She told me to wait for the second course. I didn’t know what that meant
but I soon found out.
Natalie went off with my bowl and the plate. In the meantime Bubbles who had
gone to get a glass of wine took the opportunity to get back to where I was
sitting. Frankly I did not want to talk to anyone but my parents had taught me
not to be rude to grown-ups so I didn’t tell her I wanted to be alone.
“You know you are the first young girl under the age of eighteen to be brought
here. The girls here,” she swept the room with her hand, well they usually come
here when Mama Salma makes them a proposition they can’t refuse.” I didn’t know
that word “proposition” and I didn’t want to talk so I just listened.
“Many of the girls here came on their own. Mama Salma is
pretty good at getting what she wants. She offers money, a good life and a life
of luxury, now which girl would refuse a deal like that.” Bubbles laughed, yet
when I looked at her she looked sad. I don’t know what was going on in her
mind.
Bubbles said, “anyway Mama Salma decided that since there was demand she would
start a new sideline of supplying young girls to willing buyers. It seems there
are quite a few men who wouldn’t mind paying a lot for under age girls. I guess
you can say you were the experiment. She seems very happy with how it has
gone.”
At that moment Natalie came back. She didn’t seem too happy with Bubbles
talking to me. “Bubbles take your gossip somewhere else. And if you need to get
drunk don’t do it in my presence.” She clicked her tongue at Bubbles. Bubbles
stood up and left.
“Don’t associate with that one. She is a gossip and a drunk. Don’t listen to
anything she says. She is just a bitter girl. Now eat. Mama Salma is coming in
soon and I want her to find you haven’t eaten. What did I do to be rated a babysitter?”
I sat there and stared at the plate. It had some kind of pilau, some chicken,
vegetables and some kind of coated brown food that I couldn’t tell what it was.
I took a bite and realized it was fish. Now there was something I loved. I dug
into the food and ate everything.
Natalie had by then gone to drink wine with some of the other ladies I had
seen. They kept looking at me and then they would sneer or say something in
hushed tones. I felt so alone. I wanted to go back to my room actually I wanted
to get out of this place. I can’t believe when I came here I thought I would be
safe. That someone would take care of me. To realize that I was just a pawn to
be used was to me even at that tender age very painful.
After about half an hour Mama Salma came into the room with a tall, dark,
handsome man. All the ladies hurried to chairs around the table and sat down.
Mama Salma was dressed in a red satin dress that clung to her breasts, hips and
thighs. It had a slit at the side that ran up to mid thigh. She was wearing red
shoes and had a red big handbag to match. She had on some red lipstick and some
blue eye shadow that made her look, in my opinion, very scary.
“I would like to thank you all for being available tonight. I will release you
in a couple of minutes. As you can see am on my way out. I just wanted to have
a formal welcome to our new housemate, Mama Salma said. “Stand up Carol.” I
stood up, holding on to the table so as to balance.
“I want you all to treat Carol nicely. Don’t bully her or play those tricks you
usually play on each other. I will be very unhappy if I hear that you have done
anything to her. Treat her like your beloved sister. Carol here will be making
me a lot of money and I want her taken care of,” Mama Salsa said as she smiled.
” From tomorrow Carol you will start your lessons. I pride
myself on having the most beautiful girls but they must also be intelligent and
behave like ladies. I don’t want any of my girls to embarrass me. Tomorrow
Carlos here will start teaching you how to speak proper English. He will also
teach you some French, Spanish, Italian and German. Those are the languages our
customers speak and so you need to learn some of that. That is all. Girls
behave yourselves. Some of you are getting drunk on the job and I promise there
will be some disciplinary action if you don’t stop.”
Mama Salma and Carlos went out. After a few minutes the atmosphere changed. The
girls broke out dancing and laughing. Natalie came for me and escorted me to my
room. She explained to me that the girls needed to get ready. Their clients
were coming to pick them up. It seemed Mama Salma did not like the men to sleep
inside her house so they came picked up their choice for the night and then
left with them. Later on I heard this is what she did so that if by unfortunate
chance the police raided her house they would not find any men there. The house
was apparently called, “Ladies of Distinction Modelling agency.” She had listed
her house as a business which trained and acted as agents for models but that
was just a front.
In my room I felt like I was in a jail with no bars. I hate this place but I
couldn’t leave. Well at least on my own volition. I sat on my bed and wept. I
didn’t know what tomorrow would bring but whatever it was I was scared to face
it. And in the dark this is the poem I composed.
Big plastic smile on my face.
Inside am crying for my innocence.
Used to be happy but now happiness is just a word I hear.
I have everything material but nothing emotional.
Am dead inside.
I was a fragile flower.
But then I was cut and crushed by cruel hands.
I am broken inside yet outside I function.
I don’t believe in God because a loving God wouldn’t let this happen to me.
I hate men.
They are all pretenders.
They pretend that they are nice, loving and caring.
They are not, they are beasts that crush innocence,
and wear blood like it’s a trophy for sport.
One crushed my delicate flower.
Others waited in the wings to stomp out the good in me.
I hate, I hate with a passion what I have become but I am a prisoner.
I can’t escape my capturers they have conquered my mind.
Told me am nothing that they have made me sum thing of value.
Put a price tag on my flesh.
Invisible chains hold me to this place.
I am fragile, broken, and old in knowledge yet still a child.
Am a woman in experience but a child in mind.
Am fragile yet I haven’t broken.
Scattered yet held together by will
And a plastic smile.
This house, Mama Salma’s house was my prison until I was 18 and I escaped with
the help of a client who fell in love with me and wanted to save me. But that
is a story for another day. I have seen things and been done to things I cant
explain. Shameful, horrifying things that give me nightmares. But I am a
survivor. A fragile beautiful doll that’s beautiful and whole on the outside
but broken and ugly on the inside. This is my story, a story of shattered
dreams.
Potentash 2010
Dedication
For all the young girls, young boys and women being held as
sexual slaves all over the world. We pray for you everyday. And hope that you
will be saved from your bondage. May you find freedom. May you find love. May
you never give up hope that one day you will be free. May your voice never be
silenced. May your story cause others to take action to save others like you.
