love letter to God - Trouble in the garden of Eden

Dear God.

How have you been keeping? This is supposed to be a love letter but to be honest I don’t feel in love with you right now.  Guess what, I am hurting but I guess you already know that.  I am in the valley.  I feel like I am praying but nothing is happening.  Pastor talked about closed doors and open doors but all I seem to see are closed doors.

I think I am spiritually depressed.  I try to pray and read my bible.  But right now it doesn’t feel right.  I am going through the motions, doing the things a Christian should do.  But my faith is down; it’s taken too many blows.  I don’t have the psyche and right now I am not feeling the hype that in every cloud there is a silver lining.

I wonder if this is how job felt when he went through his trials.  Or Jonah when he was in the belly of the fish.  How did Joseph get through the days in prison, knowing that he was righteous yet everything was going wrong?  How did Paul feel when he was in prison or shipwrecked?  How did Esther feel when her people were condemned to die?

Seriously God I want to finish well.  I want to be a hero of faith in my generation.  But how do I get past the feeling of being at zero right now.  Of feeling like everything around me is going wrong.  All the dreams I had have turned to dust.  All the hope I felt now feels like salt rubbed on a wound.  How do I go on when the person who understands what I am going through is silent?  I feel like you are so far away and I can’t reach you.

Honestly the only thing that makes me not turn away from you is knowing that even if I feel this way your love is real.  Without you I am hollow. It’s like eating food without salt.  But then again I miss what we had.  How I felt about you and feeling excited to meet and talk to you.  To give thanksgiving and praise.  I don’t know how to get back there.  I know the things I need to do but I don’t want to just feel like I am going through the motions.  Holy Spirit helps me because you’re the only one who can help me get through this.  Give me joy to get through today and tomorrow and the next day.  Help me get through this.  Help me rise above this and emerge victorious.  Help me carry my cross because right now it seems so heavy.

I love you GOD.  Please don’t let go of me at this time when I can’t see my footsteps and you’re carrying me on your shoulder. 

Be my shepherd Jesus as I walk through the valley of the shadow of doubt.  Be my guiding rod and staff; help me to walk even though my feet are weary of this path.  Be my light in the dark so that I may not stumble.  I am weak so be my water of life and my bread of salvation.

Thanks for listening.  I feel much better now.